


Your inappropriate garden decoration

by turva_auto



Series: Jääkiekko - ice hockey [14]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Fluff and Crack, Garden Gnomes, M/M, PT!Patrick, lawyer!Jon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 19:08:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7476306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turva_auto/pseuds/turva_auto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I really want to get to know you, but you need to take the first step.<br/>Or: Patrick tries to impress Jonny with his front lawn.<br/>Or: How many garden gnomes until a Canadian snaps?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your inappropriate garden decoration

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by this [Tumblr post](http://lurkinginmysecretshamecave.tumblr.com/post/147300786317/michi-draconis-shitroughdrafts-april-8-2015) and lurkinginmysecretshamecave who suggested to do a fic about it for your OTP. Well since Kazer is my OTP here you go, enjoy!

Jonathan is living in 336 W Wisconsin Street, in Lincoln Park, Chicago Illinois since he graduated from UND and started working for the US base of his mom’s Canadian law firm. He never had trouble with his neighbors, he preferred a quiet night in over loud frat boy parties and he was mostly home to sleep and nap, occasionally working out to stay in shape and taking care of his garden - nothing else.

So really there never was any trouble, well until the couple from across the street moved out, after a huge fight over their divorce papers. Jonathan only knew, because he had been the one proceeding the shit show obviously. But that was all his involvement was about. So Jonathan really was a gentleman, he just wasn’t prepared for the guy who bought the house 6 weeks later and moved in. He came with an entire entourage as if he would be the royal prince of fuckery.

Jonathan hadn’t seen much of him, just a few blonde curls and a dimpled smile, directed at one of his heavy tattooed buddies called Tyler. They were shouting back and forth to the house and back to the van and it was a lot commotion. So much actually, that there was no way Jonathan could get his nap time in, which in turn made him return to the office for his afternoon shift in a gloomy and pissy mood. A mood not even helped when he had watered his tomato tower plants before he left. 

When he returned home it was already dark outside, so he parked his car and canceled his regular evening run to go to sleep. There was still light in the new/old Campbell house, but he just glanced at it blearily, hoping that whoever moved in wasn’t throwing a party on top of all. 

The following weeks, were like vacation to Jonny, since he was out of town, back up in Canada and had his friend Seabrook looking after his garden. He just was not prepared for what happened, when he returned at the start of the weekend. 

There were two garden gnomes on the front lawn of the old Campbell house, and they looked cruel. Jonathan couldn’t help it, but their position suggested they were fucking and this was highly inappropriate! There were kids living in this street and just, how could you pull this one off?! How could someone even dare? 

When he took care of the little garden bed in front of his house, where he was growing delicate flowers, he felt watched, observed. He felt like those gnomes were mocking him, tracing his every move and after only half an hour he felt so riled up about those stupid gnomes, he dropped his tools, snapped a few photos with his cellphone and went inside to shoot a mail off to his landlord - the Sharps. They would take care of things. Seriously, there were kids in this area!

* * *

 

**_April 8, 2016_ **

_ Dear Mr. Kane, _

_ It was brought to my attention by your neighbor, Jonathan Toews, that you have two garden gnomes on your front lawn that that were not approved by the HOA before installation. Please adhere to the guidelines (see Appropriate Lawn Decor on page 3) and remove them within five business days, or you will be fined. _

_ Lincoln Park is a beautiful neighborhood, and we keep it that way by sticking to these rules! _

_ Thanks! _

_ Patrick Sharp, HOA President _

* * *

 

Patrick read the Email on his phone on the way back from his job as a PT for some local athletes and chuckled. Were his neighbors really that uptight about some fucking garden gnomes? Maybe he should have chosen another neighborhood? But Erica had insisted that Lincoln Park was appropriate, given his clientele. It didn’t cross his mind for a second to feel any sort of regret over the gnomes on his front lawn. Whoever complained was probably just a homophobic bitch.    
He turned off his usual road home and made his way to the studio of the little Russian artist he had discovered yesterday, who actually sold the gnomes to him. 

He stopped in front of Artemi’s studio and smiled, the idea already forming in his head. The Russian seemed pleased to see him again and even with a lot of hand waving and mimicking, given Panarin’s lack of English, they made it work and Patrick took 3 more gnomes with him. He couldn’t wait to place them on the front lawn to see what happened. Maybe he could catch on who was so pissed about his sense of decoration, because fuck you very much, those gnomes were absolutely fucking ace! Maybe the guy across from him, in his Tesla was having a nick in his undies. But Patrick wasn’t sure if he was the one who had taken to the Sharp’s about it. He didn’t know his name after all. The guy hadn’t even been in town! Not that Patrick would keep tabs on him - he does not, but he couldn’t help watching out for a nice shaped ass and bada boom this guy had some great assets hidden in his dress pants. But still if the guy with the great ass was Mr. Toews, he would teach him  a lesson.

Also Panarin who had just opened his business, was glad, someone had taken interest in his special art, and he knew that Patrick was well known among athletes, for his work ethic. So coming from a Hockey nation like Russia he had heard about him, before. Having Patrick Kane buying his special gnomes, was even more special. He hadn’t been aware of the cocky side of the guy with the baby blue eyes.

 

As Jonny came running down the sidewalk from his latest work out session that day, there was no way, he was imagining things. He rubbed his eyes in disbelief, now facing 5 of those garden gnomes on the front lawn of his new neighbor. Was that guy mocking him? And all 5 of them were facing his house straight on, in different forms of undress and fuckery. 

Gross just gross!

Jonny wasn’t in the closet perse but he wasn’t showing off his sexual orientation either. Still those gnomes needed to be gone, because he wouldn’t let some douche ruin the neighborhood and all the kids around. Sure that no one was looking, he strode across the street and casually went by his neighbors house to peek at the name on the mailbox.

PATRICK KANE it read, so at least his new favorite enemy had a name now. Toews entered his house through the back door after taking another lap around the block, before mailing the Sharps more urgently. He even dreamed about those damn gnomes already. So inappropriate! His mom would judge him for it, upon her arrival during the summer. These garden gnomes really needed to be deleted from earth. This was no garden decoration or any sort of art, this was simply a bad frat boy joke. For a moment Jonny thought about googling Mr. Kane, maybe he already had a record of doing such things? But he opted to make himself a kale smoothie and do some yoga instead. He really needed to calm down. Namaste bitches and all.

* * *

 

**_April 9, 2016_ **

_ Dear Mr. Kane, _

_ Mr. Toews emailed me this afternoon and informed me that there are now five gnomes on your front lawn. He also said that they are all facing his house. _

_ I don’t know three extra gnomes showed up (unless they’re breeding LOL), or why they are now facing his house. But please be advised that you are now in violation of our Allowed Quantities of Lawn Decor rule (see page 7). _

_ You have four days until you are fined. Please address this issue ASAP. _

_ Thanks! _

_ Patrick Sharp, HOA President _

* * *

 

Of course Patrick didn’t answer this mail either, he just laughed to himself and emailed Artemi to come over with a few more of his gnomes, telling him something about an open art gallery for free on his front lawn. Panarin didn’t miss a beat and packed all his explicit gnomes in his friend Artem’s van to drive them over to Kaner. They placed half of them on the lawn, laughing all the while. Patrick kept the rest of them in his garage for further display. Artemi wasn’t even arguing about it. He was just beaming down at the gnomes and so happy to have Patrick’s attention. Patrick couldn’t wait to get more under Mr. Toews skin, who was obviously so enraged about the gnomes. He could be Canadian with how uptight he was, with his weird name and all. Maybe he even was? Intrigued Patrick made a quick Google search and oh what a surprise: Mr. Toews was Canadian after all, with a very serious face that screamed uptight all over. He couldn’t wait for the 4th of July now! This would be the best this year with a Canadian to mock living next door, the 4th would be a baller! Of course this needed discussion with his sisters over Skype, so he was occupied for the rest of the evening with planning even more serious damage to the Canadian pride next door.

* * *

 

**April 10, 2016**

_ Dear Mr. Kane, _

_ My wife drove by your house this morning on the way to drop our children off at school and saw your lawn. There are now over a dozen garden gnomes in your yard, all facing Mr. Toews’s house. A few of these have been placed in sexually suggestive positions. I do not think garden gnomes come in these positions, which means that someone (I’m not saying you) placed them as such. Regardless, they violate the board’s rule on Appropriate Lawn Décor Positions on page 9. _

_ Mr. Kane, you have three days left to comply with the board’s rules, or you will be fined. _

_ Are you getting these emails? _

_ Thanks! _

_ Patrick Sharp, HOA President _

* * *

 

Screw the board rules! Patrick thought laughing to himself and placing a few more gnomes in his garden just for the heck of it, snapping a photo he texted to Artemi with a thumbs up emoji to go with. He was introducing these uptight citizens to appropriate art. Even his sisters loved these gnomes! He had to promise Erica to sent her one for her home in Buffalo. Had no one ever taken to art history? He was making history on his front lawn publicly available. But of course he wanted to get under Jonathan Toews skin. When he caught a glimpse of him, he was either heading to work in his slacks and perfect button down with a Windsor knotted tie, or taking care of his garden. That dude must at least be smoking pot with all his weird flowers and vegetables everywhere? He was probably a PETA activist too, but Patrick wouldn’t piss on the PETA parade. Animals were great though. Toews was probably vegan or at least vegetarian. He might turn greenish one day like the Hulk from all the kale and shit. Patrick grinned wide, while he did his set of weight lifting. Moving to Lincoln Park was indeed the best idea he ever had. He never enjoyed himself more than he did with every passing day.

 

When Jonathan got up the next morning and walked to his car to take off to work, he thought he was still dreaming. This must be the most vivid nightmare he ever had, but these damn gnomes were either breeding in the middle of the night or Mr. Kane really wanted to fuck shit up with him. Jonathan was fuming with anger, as he entered his office half an hour later, squeezing the cup filled with hot coffee in his hand so tightly it was bordering on jumping out of the cup from the sheer force he used.

He was upset, he was indeed so annoyed by the provocation of his new neighbor that he called his brother to complain about his new neighbor with the weird taste in sexually explicit garden gnomes. This wasn’t funny anymore. There was a display of bondage and what not right in front of Jonny’s home! It also attracted quite a crowd of people stopping by to snap pictures of this inappropriate garden decoration, that was probably making it’s way across social media. Jonny wanted to rub his eyes out from the sight of it. 

He never had to use his horn before, when he wanted to pull into his driveway, but now with so many by passers it wasn't avoidable occasionally.

* * *

 

**_April 11, 2016_ **

_ Dear Mr. Kane, _

_ I was emailed a picture of your lawn this morning by your neighbor Jonathan Toews, and was surprised to find that there are now close to thirty gnomes on your lawn. Not only are they all staring directly at his house, they are now also sexually explicit. After a quick Yahoo search, I could not find any store that sold such “X rated” gnomes. This gives me the impression that you made them yourself. _

_ Mr. Kane, I don’t know where you’re getting the time or the money to create these monstrosities, but they will not be tolerated. We have children in this neighborhood. _

_ Please be advised that you have two days left before incurring fines. _

_ FYI you are now also in violation of our Sexually Explicit Lawn Décor rule on page 17. Until today, I was not aware this rule even existed. _

_ Thanks! _

_ Patrick Sharp, HOA President _

* * *

 

The threat of 2 days did nothing to face Patrick. He cackled to himself as he dragged the last gnomes out of his garage at 11 in the evening, hidden by darkness. This would be the coup. He wanted to cause explosion. Hell! Toews should come knock at his door, he needed to! And who even used Yahoo to search for anything? Was Mr Sharp really that old school and deranged or was he simply using a Windows computer. That would explain a lot!

Artemi was as happy as ever, people were requesting his art frequently and he was all over social media. He really kicked off a nice business and Patrick might be responsible for the little Russian to get popular, but in the end the effort was all his own. You really needed a sick mind to come up with sex garden gnomes. Also yes Patrick was indeed aware that they had children over here, but seriously there was Sex ED in schools and all, it did nothing to face him.

He had a bit of trouble getting the printed shirt on one of the gnomes but eventually he managed. This would be the final drop to make Toews pop. He was a genius! This needed to be the final straw, but it would work. It had to! Patrick really wanted to get his hands on that ass!

Tyler was already pissed at him for whining about his new man crush/ neighbor/ big ass Toews.

Tazer as he had taken to call him, because that laser death glare he had going whenever laying eyes on Kaner’s yard was pretty fucking intense and all. Patrick wasn’t sure if Jonathan Toews was even gay or bi or whatever. Well Patrick was sure he could turn him into either way, no one could resist the sexiness of a Kane! It was in his blood, he was a fucking love machine, baby.

Even some of his clients were obviously lusting after him. He wasn’t blind okay, god gave him eyes for a reason and just eyeing Tazer’s ass wasn’t enough anymore. It was doing it for him of course, but there was only ever so often you could rub one out to the mental image until you craved the original. He wanted to leave finger shaped bruises on his hips and make him cry on his dick until he was begging for every thrust to his prostate. Yeah that would be nice. Patrick smiled, staggering to the shower to take care of his upright business. As well as getting rid of all the grass stains on his knees.

* * *

 

**_April 12, 2016_ **

_ Dear Mr. Kane, _

_ I was woken up by a phone call from Jonathan Toews at 6AM this morning. He was threatening to call the police. We have never had the police called in this neighborhood. Not even once. I calmed him down and went over to see what the problem was. _

_ Mr. Kane, the only time I’ve ever seen an orgy was in the movie Caligula but the scene your gnomes depict on your front lawn makes Caligula look PG. The gnomes are in positions I haven’t ever even imagined, and even if I could have imagined them, I wouldn’t have done so with gnomes!  _

_ There are over one hundred of them. I could barely see any grass through the limbs and appendages of the disgusting little men. _

_ One gnome in particular is wearing a shirt that says “Jonathan Toews” on it and it is wearing a horse mask. Two other gnomes are treating him like a horse. _

_ This is in direct violation of an HOA rule that the HOA just decided to make. Please see Sexually Explicit Depictions of Neighbors as Lawn Decor in the new edition of the HOA guidelines attached as a PDF. _

_ You have until tomorrow, Mr. Kane. Also, Jonathan Toews has contacted a lawyer. _

_ Thanks! _

_ Patrick Sharp, HOA President _

* * *

 

The Email sent Patrick into hysterical laughter as he read through it, while sipping at his coffee. He had gotten him good. It was just a matter of time until Toews would knock on his door. Patrick couldn’t wait for it, he was dreading it! Also the part of Toews contacting a lawyer was making him snort, the guy was a lawyer himself, this was the best joke of the century. What did he do? Asked his mom for help? 

Toews was probably at work for now, so Patrick fetched all the gnomes from his front lawn and drove them back to Artemi’s gallery, only keeping two of them. One for pair for himself, the pair that started it all and one single wanking gnome, he would ship to his sister Erica. He wasn’t planning on paying a fine just for a little fun and his time limit was up today.

But the pink flamingo that greeted him upon arriving at Artemi’s studio just gave him one more prideful idea and of course Artemi was more than happy to give it to him.

 

When Jonny got home this afternoon, he parked his Tesla and sighed in relief to see all the garden gnomes gone. That last portrait of horror really had crossed a fucking line. He was still pissed about it as hell and every inch in his body yearned to go and knock on Mr. Kane’s door to ask him: What the fuck was wrong with him? But he didn’t bother. There has been enough fuss, because of those disgusting gnomes, so he took to applying the new brought soil to his garden bed. He hoped it would help his flowers grow. His garden decoration was at least appropriate and family friendly. Watering his plants kept him occupied and when he was making eggs for dinner and a smoothie for later, when he would be watching ESPN Sports center he had pushed it so far from his mind, that he felt at ease for the first time in days. 

Just one question kept coming back to him: Why? Why did his new neighbor do this?

* * *

 

**_April 13, 2016_ **

_ Dear Mr. Kane, _

_ I don’t know how you did it, but thank you for removing all of the gnomes. I’m glad we could avoid getting the authorities involved! _

_ Since you managed to do it before five business days, there will be no fine, just a warning. _

_ As a reminder, please do not place any decorations in your yard without direct approval from the board. _

_ Thanks! _

_ Patrick Sharp, HOA President _

* * *

 

Patrick smirked, polishing the rest of his new flamingo before strapping on a thong he found in his guestroom, probably left by his sisters from when they stayed over after moving his stuff. This decoration was the pure incarnation of doom and gay pride, it would be a monument in his yard!

Also Tazer still had to come over and knock on his door instead of gardening. Patrick had spent two hours in the shade trying to read the latest Twilight fanfic on AO3 just to be distracting by Jonathan Toews in boarding shorts, manhandling soil in front of his house, for his stupid flowers.

Why even bother with flowers? They only brought bees and bugs and shit. If the dude liked flowers so much, Patrick could have some delivered to him each day, each day a new assortment - maybe he should keep this idea for his next step?

Was he supposed to assault the Canadian with flowers to get him to come over? He asked Tyler on Whatsapp about it, but only got a few face palming emoji in response.

> **Tyler:** _> >Why don’t you just go over there and ring his fucking door Patrick?<<_   
>  **Kaner:** _> >  Boooooooooring!!!!!!!<<_

It was time for the flamingo, that’s what it was! Tazer was cooked to perfection with garden gnomes, he sure wouldn’t hold his shit over a flamingo.

* * *

 

**_April 14, 2016_ **

_ Dear Mr. Kane, _

_ It was just brought to my attention that there is a bright pink decorative flamingo in the middle of your front lawn. _

_ I have also been informed that this lawn flamingo is wearing a thong. _

_ If you do not remove this flamingo within five business days, expect a follow up from Marian Hossa, as he is taking over as HOA President. As of today I have resigned. _

_ Thanks! _

_ Patrick Sharp. _

_ P.S. all rules aside this was pretty entertaining man, we should meet and have dinner with my wife and the kids, just no garden gnomes pls. _

* * *

 

Patrick did a fist bump and happy dance after receiving Sharpy’s last mail, another 5 days to win Jonathan Toews over had just started, but then there was someone actually trying to kill his doorbell and knocking on his front door with such force, he got scared it would break down.

Patrick opened up with wide eyes, feigning innocence as he came face to face with a red headed Jonathan Toews, all tousles brown hair, big blown brown eyes, nice tanned muscles and ridiculous blue lined boarding shorts, accompanied by simply black flip flops, breathing in his face, like a raging bull let loose in the middle of Pamplona.

 

“MR. KANE!!!”

“Patrick, dear please.” Kaner smiled, dimples showing and long lashes fluttering suggestively over his big blue eyes.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU OR WHY YOU KEEP MOCKING ME WITH YOUR INAPPROPRIATE GARDEN DECORATIONS! BUT I HAD ENOUGH OF IT OVER THE LAST FUCKING WEEK!!! DAMN FOR THE REST OF THE FUCKING CENTURY!!!” Jonathan raged, and hell was he sexy when angered.

“Is that so?” Patrick leered, leaning forward suggestively wiggling his eyebrows.

“I can’t believe you are even serious!” Jonathan sputters.

“Am not, but you are always so so serious!” Patrick mumbles, fingers tracing over Jonathan’s unclad chest, glistening with sweat from the stiffening 102 degrees Fahrenheit outside. 

It isn’t a hardship for Jonathan to take hold of his wrist, to stop his hand from moving or even touching him at all. Patrick doesn’t fight his grip, just closes his eyes for a second basking in the possessive feeling rolling off of the Canadian.

“Don’t!” Jonathan threatens, face only inches away from Patrick’s half lidded eyes.

“Don’t what?” Patrick mocks, lips ghosting closely over Jonathan’s panting mouth. “Took a lot of gnomes to get you to my door.” he mumbles, before finally letting their lips connect.


End file.
